Finishing What I Started

There's one thing that I forget to do when I start something and that's always to finish it... I have always have great ideas, but never follows through. I truly wonder where I would be by now if I actually got on here and wrote everytime I thought about it. Which is a lot.

The real problem is that I'm so effing busy doing it all that I don't have time to get on and talk about all the shit I'm doing! I think about writing and running away mentally via my blog every single day as I sit here surrounded by the sounds of a toddler playing 30 car pile up in the corner, the dog licking his swollen anal glands in the middle of the floor and the newly walking one year old that speaks pterodactyl.

I do not lie when I tell you I've been doing it all either. I threw that fabulous Super Bowl Party and reminded those that lived with me that if it was not for my Seattle Seahawks that we wouldn't be doing this. The only unfortunate part was that I was so busy hosting the party that I was missing all the touchdowns and points scored. We both know that we're not talking about the Broncos either... We all know it was quite possibly the most boring Super Bowl we've ever watched... I still have yet to contact my friend's husband in Denver to discuss the outcome. His son was born on the day of super bowl and they did NOT name him Peyton. 

So after that great NW snow storm hit (I know it hit everywhere, but here we cancel everything here) It was then that I found myself in a marathon of Extreme Couponing and deciding that I spend wayyyyy too much money on food that is gone before the next week's grocery trip. I'd had it. I also had nothing else to do since there was so much snow on the ground that the Chief wasn't working, so I started clipping and researching on how I was going to save my family money and start a stock pile!
 

It didn't take me long to realize that these people were buying mustard, candy, and totally unhealthy shit that don't make regular appearances in this house (who really needs 100 bottles of mustard!?) but I did get a pretty good stock start on cereal, pasta and sauces. I totally clip every week now when I didn't before and shop at stores that I never realized provided a deal. I find myself standing in checkout lines seeing people pay full price for something that has a coupon, or that I know is half the price at the other major store chain up the street and want to say, "Hey lady! Don't buy that here!" But I'm not that girl... While I'm outspoken I've learned when it's worth my time (and most people at the grocery store are NOT)

After my whole crazy couponing phase I planned to participate in a 21 day hot yoga challenge at the studio I practice at www.vancouverbikramyoga.com/. My 30th birthday is coming this spring and I always told myself I wanted to be at my personal best as far as physical fitness and after my post pardum depression it has become my prescription for emotional, mental and spiritual stability. (along with emergency xanax)

After setting up arrangements with the Chief and other family members to help with the offspring I started March 1st attending daily classes. Like I said before... I tend to not finish anything I start! I told myself I'd make it even if it included a few doubles (2 classes a day), but on day #11 as I was walking out the door at the last minute my oldest, who had decided to down some vase water earlier stood up and puked all over the dining room floor. Sweet.

The Chief had already been working 60-70hrs a week + battling 'Walking Pneumonia', but he had come home everyday during my challenge to dinner ready and me walking out the door. I felt amazing, exhausted and my body was transforming, but after day #11 I had to stop. All the puking had taken its toll on me, we had a beach trip that weekend and like I said, I never finish anything anyway.

When it came down to it on the long drive to the coast I reminded myself that I was capable of challenging myself to doing multiple days of hot yoga in a row at anytime; I don't need a poster advertising free stuff for participating to commit myself, but I was never really a leader. I'm not a follower either, I fall somewhere inbetween. I think that's why I start so much and never finish it.

We're currently on the 26th of March, the challenge completed itself 5 days ago and I did not, my offspring are officially on Amoxicillin to kill off whatever they have continued to battle and the lack of the hot room has made it so I'm intaking all their crud and feeling the sickness myself.

My new focus is getting my shit together before May, I keep my goals short term since (again) I can't finish anything I start. By that I mean getting my ass back in the hot room, getting myself out of the depression and anxiety I succumbed to again and figuring out what I'm going to do when with my life. 

Clearly that's a whole other entry to share and because I canceled our Internet out of anger before the new one was installed I'm writing via cell phone and my wrists hurt. By the way, because I never finish anything I start, today is March 29th. You're welcome.

Overcoming Post Pardum Depression

There are several degrees of sadness that can be involved after having a baby and you may think it's just some "Baby Blues," or you may be suffering from Postpardum depression and truly need some help. You probably don't want to share your feelings with just anyone or at all because you are afraid of their response and that it will be embarrassing. You will look crazy, like a bad mom and you know that you don't need help with your baby, right? It may feel this way, but it's not true and you need to find the right person, even if it's your advice nurse, counselor, or 911.

I'm not qualified to tell you what you may be dealing with, but I know that after 2 kids in 3 years it was difficult to remember who I was and what being "Happy" truly meant. Seeking help was the hardest thing to do for all of the reasons above and couldn't even use words and share what I was going through, I sent a text. After I found my way out of the darkest hole I'd ever fallen into and could barely ask for help that I decided I had to put it out there and hopefully help those that are also feeling helpless and alone.

When you hear your baby cry do you cringe, feel your heart race, blood boil and wish that you were anywhere else but where you are? Are you cursing yourself because you feel you are an evil person for hating the tiniest and most innocent being you brought into this world? You cry all the time, can't eat, think about hurting others, yourself, death, etc? The anger you are feeling is being targeted at everyone that crosses your path and if you're in a relationship there's a chance that it's taking it's toll and you believe you are going to lose your partner and lose your baby for being a hateful and abusive?

Hopefully you're not envisioning or actually physically abusing your baby, or maybe you do and find yourself feeling this in extreme moments of frustration. If this is the case you need to find help ASAP. You need to put the baby down in another room, walk away and call someone and if no one close to you is available call 911 and go get a neighbor. You are not a failure, you are not bad, you are a human being that is feeling overwhelming emotions and needs someone to understand and there's far more of us suffering from this than you realize.

What's most shocking is hearing how common it is for mothers to feel a level of depression or sadness after having a baby and don't share it at all. We just aren't able to seek the help as easily because shame and embarrassment causes us to sugar coat situations and make life seem blissful when it's anything but. Yes, there are women out there that find their post pardum experience to be very wonderful and easy and rather than envy, be grateful they aren't being forced into this awful place that you are. Tell yourself that you will be a stronger, better woman for finding a positive way to deal with this and turn your life around.

My biggest fear was that it would take me too long to get back to a level of "normalcy" and how would I ever have the love and bond with my second son as I did with my first when I spent the first 2 months of his life resenting his existence? Luckily I did research myself and sought help early on because I knew the thought and emotions I was experiencing were not okay, nor was I okay with having these thoughts and emotions.

After looking into every resource possible I decided to go against my usual choice and take a doctor prescribed medication, Prozac (Fluoxetine Hcl). Knowing the potential side affects I figured that along with cardio (8wks post C-section) it would balance itself out and I'd be "happy" again in no time and loving everyone, not just my oldest son, whom I clung to.


After a few months of being on prescribed medication and denying a family member's offer to send me to a Doctor of natural medicine the emotions were no longer present, but neither was any emotion for that matter. The attachment to my oldest was becoming less and rather my annoyances more frequent. Overall I was numb, forcing myself to stay afloat and find something to make me feel like a human being with interests and passions again. So, I returned to work serving tables a few nights a week.

My personal solutions may not necessarily be yours and the biggest struggle we have is finding something we love and making time for ourselves to do it. I tried the medicine, going back to work and the cardio still did nothing for me. My relationship was rocky, my oldest was enrolled in preschool and #2 was proving every stereotype of the second baby being easier to be wrong. So what I tried next and what I swear by to this day and forever will might blow your mind, not surprise you at all, or make you say no fucking way!?

HOT YOGA.

Before depression and children I had always thought that yoga was for people that were already flexible, or didn't really want to do real cardio. Do they even sweat and get their heart rate up? Oh yes. And if you're doing it in 105 degree heat you better believe you will be sweating like a hog and feeling exhausted, yet amazing afterwards. Don't assume hot yoga is what you need to do and start googling the nearest location, but do ask yourself what is it that you makes you  happiest as an individual? What do you want to do for yourself? You may need to seek postpardum therapy to help get answers to these questions and while you're not sure what you'll benefit from talking to a stranger, you're certainly not benefiting from being alone.

Being a part of something and feeling a connection with others and yourself is the most natural way to begin healing. Within a few months of going on a regular basis I felt like a new woman and knew as long as I could maintain this routine that I would be okay without additional medication. Benefits of yoga go far beyond added flexibility and physical wellness, it will heal your mental and emotional spirit too. (http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/2562)

Don't give up on yourself and don't give all your energy to the negative thoughts and feelings, rather fight back with that energy and find yourself. Now is your time, 1, 2, 3+ kids doesn't change that you were a person before they came into this world. How will you guide them, teach them and show them what life is about if you are unsure yourself? Maybe you can start learning together :)