I'm not qualified to tell you what you may be dealing with, but I know that after 2 kids in 3 years it was difficult to remember who I was and what being "Happy" truly meant. Seeking help was the hardest thing to do for all of the reasons above and couldn't even use words and share what I was going through, I sent a text. After I found my way out of the darkest hole I'd ever fallen into and could barely ask for help that I decided I had to put it out there and hopefully help those that are also feeling helpless and alone.
When you hear your baby cry do you cringe, feel your heart race, blood boil and wish that you were anywhere else but where you are? Are you cursing yourself because you feel you are an evil person for hating the tiniest and most innocent being you brought into this world? You cry all the time, can't eat, think about hurting others, yourself, death, etc? The anger you are feeling is being targeted at everyone that crosses your path and if you're in a relationship there's a chance that it's taking it's toll and you believe you are going to lose your partner and lose your baby for being a hateful and abusive?
Hopefully you're not envisioning or actually physically abusing your baby, or maybe you do and find yourself feeling this in extreme moments of frustration. If this is the case you need to find help ASAP. You need to put the baby down in another room, walk away and call someone and if no one close to you is available call 911 and go get a neighbor. You are not a failure, you are not bad, you are a human being that is feeling overwhelming emotions and needs someone to understand and there's far more of us suffering from this than you realize.
What's most shocking is hearing how common it is for mothers to feel a level of depression or sadness after having a baby and don't share it at all. We just aren't able to seek the help as easily because shame and embarrassment causes us to sugar coat situations and make life seem blissful when it's anything but. Yes, there are women out there that find their post pardum experience to be very wonderful and easy and rather than envy, be grateful they aren't being forced into this awful place that you are. Tell yourself that you will be a stronger, better woman for finding a positive way to deal with this and turn your life around.
My biggest fear was that it would take me too long to get back to a level of "normalcy" and how would I ever have the love and bond with my second son as I did with my first when I spent the first 2 months of his life resenting his existence? Luckily I did research myself and sought help early on because I knew the thought and emotions I was experiencing were not okay, nor was I okay with having these thoughts and emotions.
After looking into every resource possible I decided to go against my usual choice and take a doctor prescribed medication, Prozac (Fluoxetine Hcl). Knowing the potential side affects I figured that along with cardio (8wks post C-section) it would balance itself out and I'd be "happy" again in no time and loving everyone, not just my oldest son, whom I clung to.
After a few months of being on prescribed medication and denying a family member's offer to send me to a Doctor of natural medicine the emotions were no longer present, but neither was any emotion for that matter. The attachment to my oldest was becoming less and rather my annoyances more frequent. Overall I was numb, forcing myself to stay afloat and find something to make me feel like a human being with interests and passions again. So, I returned to work serving tables a few nights a week.
My personal solutions may not necessarily be yours and the biggest struggle we have is finding something we love and making time for ourselves to do it. I tried the medicine, going back to work and the cardio still did nothing for me. My relationship was rocky, my oldest was enrolled in preschool and #2 was proving every stereotype of the second baby being easier to be wrong. So what I tried next and what I swear by to this day and forever will might blow your mind, not surprise you at all, or make you say no fucking way!?
HOT YOGA.
Before depression and children I had always thought that yoga was for people that were already flexible, or didn't really want to do real cardio. Do they even sweat and get their heart rate up? Oh yes. And if you're doing it in 105 degree heat you better believe you will be sweating like a hog and feeling exhausted, yet amazing afterwards. Don't assume hot yoga is what you need to do and start googling the nearest location, but do ask yourself what is it that you makes you happiest as an individual? What do you want to do for yourself? You may need to seek postpardum therapy to help get answers to these questions and while you're not sure what you'll benefit from talking to a stranger, you're certainly not benefiting from being alone. Being a part of something and feeling a connection with others and yourself is the most natural way to begin healing. Within a few months of going on a regular basis I felt like a new woman and knew as long as I could maintain this routine that I would be okay without additional medication. Benefits of yoga go far beyond added flexibility and physical wellness, it will heal your mental and emotional spirit too. (http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/2562)
Don't give up on yourself and don't give all your energy to the negative thoughts and feelings, rather fight back with that energy and find yourself. Now is your time, 1, 2, 3+ kids doesn't change that you were a person before they came into this world. How will you guide them, teach them and show them what life is about if you are unsure yourself? Maybe you can start learning together :)
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